I am a survivor. After a traumatic childhood in an alcoholic family, I entered into my adolescence with deep sadness and heavy resentment.
I had my first psychiatric hospitalization when I was 15 due to suicidal thoughts, and I was already a self-injuring “cutter” by that time. My parents and I had continuous friction in which they became abusive and overly restrictive, so I chose to live in a group home right before I turned 16. I got my own place when I was 19, but unbeknownst to myself --- I had already cultivated very unhealthy relationship patterns.
As a co-dependent, I was subconsciously attracted to and comfortable with the same patterns of dysfunction that became so familiar in my family of origin. This generally meant someone who was active in an addiction, narcissistic and self-serving in nature.
I grew up in a small religious cult up until I was 12. At that point, I was able to finally break free —- although my decision resulted in serious consequences. And of course, there was also adulthood, for which I was not prepared.
At first, it seemed that my childhood and raising had been “normal”, but I later came to understand my childhood for what it had actually been. My younger years were piled with abuse in every form — emotional incest, spiritual abuse and other forms of trauma which have caused me to suffer with PTSD — leaving me mentally unstable and on an intense quest, to try to find any sense normalcy.
I spent a few years devastated and overwhelmed by depression and trauma. I didn’t know it at the time, but I lacked a sense of purpose — something to hold on to.