Help for Anyone Seeking Change
Why Can't I Stop Doing This?
Most people who seek coaching, counseling or any other form of help have one thing in common: Some behavior pattern in their life is simply not working. It's counterproductive to that person's best interests and overall well-being.
Usually, by the time a person seeks help from a coach or counselor, they have tried everything else. They have perused online blogs and groups. They've purchased and read multiple self-help books. Usually, by the time a person walks into a counselor's office, they know all about their "issues". They have a replete intellectual understanding of what they are doing and how it is impacting their lives, negatively. Yet, they cannot seem to change!
Even with all of their knowledge and awareness, their desire to change, and their commitment to change --- they still compulsively operate in their conditioned behavior patterns. Why is this?
Usually, by the time a person seeks help from a coach or counselor, they have tried everything else. They have perused online blogs and groups. They've purchased and read multiple self-help books. Usually, by the time a person walks into a counselor's office, they know all about their "issues". They have a replete intellectual understanding of what they are doing and how it is impacting their lives, negatively. Yet, they cannot seem to change!
Even with all of their knowledge and awareness, their desire to change, and their commitment to change --- they still compulsively operate in their conditioned behavior patterns. Why is this?
Even with knowledge, awareness and all desire and commitment to change we can compulsively operate in our conditioned behavior patterns.
It's because most of our behavior patterns were conditioned during the formative years of our childhood. And the "formative years" are called such, because the brain is what is "forming". Children are not born with fully formed brains. They're born with all of the raw materials to develop into a brain, but neurons form and synapses connect gradually, from birth until the age of twelve.
So, small children are fully aware, but from an intuitive and instinctive perspective --- rather than an intellectual or analytical perspective. In fact, for this reason, they are often more perceptively adept than adults! Thus, our behavior patterns and their underlying roots were forged as instinctive responses, in our childhoods. And, the intellect is not powerful enough to change our instincts!
Our behavior patterns and their underlying roots were forged as instinctive responses, in our childhoods.
Consider this example: A child grows up in a home in which their basic physical and material needs are met, but their emotional needs are not. They grow up not only with a great deal of undue responsibility and attendant pressure placed upon them, but also with a parent who seems to never be quite satisfied with them. They are expected to perform perfectly, yet they are consistently reminded that they are never "good enough".
For a child, a parent's approval is just as essential as food and water. The child will naturally continue to try harder to please their parent. This is not "codependent", or "wrong", or "abnormal" in any way --- this is the NATURAL response of a child who is not getting the emotional supportiveness and reassurance that all children intrinsically need, from their parent(s).
For a child, a parent's approval is just as essential as food and water.
Now, this child has grown up (physically, at least, while emotionally they still navigate the world from that wounded child's stance), and they find themselves incapable of drawing boundaries or saying "no", to anyone --- even when failing to do so risks their health and most foundational self-care.
They've read books, joined online groups and watched YouTube videos on "codependence", "boundaries" and "how to say 'No!'", yet nothing seems to empower them to be able to stay true to their own needs, in the midst of someone else's.
This is because, when they were a child, it became INSTINCTIVELY programmed within them, that they must try to please others in order to get their own needs met. Essentially, the behavior to please (even at one's own risk) has become connected to their internal motivation for self-preservation.
Even though this behavior no longer serves them, it long ago became ingrained with their very instinct to survive. So, when faced with what only seems to be a choice: to "take care of themselves", instead of continuing to abandon self for others -- well, the instincts will "topple" what we intellectually know, every time.
Compulsive behaviors that no longer serve us, long ago became ingrained in our very instinct to survive. And, the instincts will consistently override our intellectual knowledge.
Our friend has saying "yes" associated with safety (and likely, also, with what makes them a "good" person); therefore, they will continue saying "yes", compulsively -- until those false beliefs about self change and until their instincts are rewired.
That's exactly what we do, here, at ARCS. We help our clients to identify and amend false belief patterns about themselves, and we show them how to reconstitute their instinctive mechanisms and reactions.